Where the Soul is Guided, there is Always Power

All dressed up Livon kids

I’m experienced at feeling grief, I thought I knew what to expect. I was wrong.

My mom died three weeks ago. I’m in Shloshim, and walking around in an altered state of consciousness. Shloshim (in Judaism) is the initial 30-day mourning period after the death of a close family member.

Mourning processI learned a tremendous life lesson as a result of my relationship with my mom. No other relationship has ever produced such supreme anguish as the one between the young me and my mother. Back then, she often told me I was too much, and that my feelings were too big. She rarely looked my way and never hugged me. At seven- years-old, I overheard her offer me to a friend.

I thought she was kidding. I was wrong.

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It is because of our difficult relationship that I learned to stand up and be who I am despite the threat of disapproval and withdrawal of affection. I learned to go inward and connect with G-d and a higher part of myself to feel love and to not only accept who I am, but to love who I am not despite, but because of, my ability to feel my giant feelings.

Movement and dance from Nov 2017 blogTo a large degree, this is how I learned to spot the light in everyone even when they themselves could not feel it. This was a gift.

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We don’t have to meet people where they are, we just have to love them where they are to find any sort of peace. This is something I learned from being my mother’s child.

Where the soul is GUIDED

Our relationship remained, overall, a strained one. That is up until the last two years.

Almost 24-months ago, my mom seemed to recognize her own mortality and some healing and repair began between us. She no longer skipped me when greeting family members with a kiss on the cheek and she slowed her steady flow of unkind remarks about me, to me.

For the first time in over forty-years, my mom reached out. She started to call me on the phone and wanted to know about my life, my husband, and about my children! I was cautious and happy. 

Me mom and Sophia

My mom and I had dozens of humor-filled, tension-free conversations. My husband and I welcomed her into our home for large family celebrations. I’m glad we did.

On November 7, 2017 my mom was diagnosed with stage-four-lung-cancer. 

She was heroic in the way she handled her diagnosis. She moved through the illness with acceptance, and was not afraid to die. She also became in my experience, a little more willing to talk honestly about her parenting choices.

Our conversations became deeper. Rapid-fire she acknowledged some things long folded up and put away.

And so I became YESI learned so much in the last months about the landscape of my mother’s mind and truly enjoyed connecting with her. The best of her, at least for me was the last of her. 

She died on January on 6th with my brother by her side.

I have never seen anyone approach death with such grace. She embraced the process of dying fearlessly and seemed to sink into every moment. She even maintained her sense of humor. Witnessing such courage was a gift.

Her funeral was on her 80th Birthday. Our party plans changed direction completely. We mourned her death and celebrated her life.

We being all four of her children, our wonderful children and spouses, a grandson- in-law and one tiny, beautiful, great granddaughter. My family is nothing short of amazing.

 

Forgiveness

Thank you most sincerely for every single kind gesture extended to me and mine during this time of mourning.

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9 thoughts on “Where the Soul is Guided, there is Always Power

  1. Thank you! Your experience with your mother is similar to mine, growing up. I believe it made me stronger, but also made and makes it harder to make lasting friends. Continue to be a light.

    Laurel Lien 612-861-4050 (home)

    You must do the thing you think you cannot do. Eleanor Roosevelt

    >

  2. Your post is so expressive about the fullness of life. It is a reminder that accepting one’s self and others
    As a vital part of life’s lessons is so clear. Thank you. You are an amazing writer.

  3. Wow you have done it again expressed what so many feel. My brother did some bad things to me while I was young and never admitted to anything and then when he was in a coma and I sat with him I told him I forgave him that it would take while to forget but he had my forgiveness, when he woke all he said was he had heard me. he went on to live another year and in that time we were able to have a relationship while strained it was still something and he also got to know my sons and they learned about helping others and accepting all people.

  4. This is so powerful. It’s interesting it took her 40 years to let go and let you in. I think, and certainly witness that mortality issues changes things. I love that you spot the light in everyone. This post makes me think of my mom. Love to your family.

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